The Most Pretentious Place on Campus

There is always a certain location on any college campus where a bunch of posers gather and sit for hours pretending to "study," while in reality all they are waiting for is someone to pick them up. At UCI, my dear readers, this place is STARBUCKS (or star-fucks if you will). As an almost daily visitor to this cruising haven (however, I on the other hand come here to actually DO work...mostly), I have had the opportunity to analyze the actions of all of the regulars that make this place their second home. This is how it goes: you come to this place usually in the noon when the concentration on campus is at its greatest, wait what seems to be an hour in line to get a drink that you really don't care too much to drink (it basically serves as your admissions ticket and excuse), and with recession many have started serving themselves with the free water on the side that also seems to give them a legitimate excuse to hang around this place. Then, you drift around the premises hoping to get a table. This always seems to be bring a nervous expression on many people's faces as this live form of musical chairs is their first trial in the game of hook up. If you manage to get a table next to a hot guy/girl with a computer plug as well...JACKPOT. If not, then you get whatever is available and wait for an upgrade. If you fail at getting any kind of seat, then you are regretfully forced to relocate to the student center study lounge next door. Now the irony of this, as well as the proof of true purpose of Starbucks, is that people would rather sit in an extremely cramped and loud environment attempting to "study", rather than comfortable, quiet, well lit and ventilated, yet totally "not-happening" environment. After all, with 2 multistory libraries, and a dozen computer labs and study centers, what makes this place so special? The answer is all of the pseudo-intellectuals. People that go to actually study do not wear designer shirts buttoned down to their chests, overaccessorized wrists and necks, Friday night hair, AND carry parchments of paper to scribble notes that are then tossed into the garbage for hours! People that study buy a nasty can of monster, wear tattered loose and mismatched clothes, a bandana/hat or anything to cover that mess on their heads, and about the only form of make up they have is a chapstick due to the effects that fatigue has on their lips. Furthermore, why does it happen that during finals, this place becomes ghost town while the libraries are swarmed with students cramming for that 8AM test? I mean, I thought people here study?