because she will say "honey you know these are louboutins!"...

...if you decide to take her to a cold sandy beach on a "romantic" picnic date where you will serenade her from the bottom of your emotionally filled heart your favorite song from some indie band whose CD you bought at a thrift store. Wow that was the longest sentence ever...but you get my drift. Now, this sort of PG13ness may work for some dumb high school chick on jenny craig because she knows better than to show up at the door steps of Hyde Lounge in 2 inch heels (stilts for her cankles)...but if you on the other hand wish to drive some fierce bitch like Amber Rose (at least Kanye did something right) around the posts of your bed, then follow the next few tips...

NOTE: these are only if you are going out with a pretentious Hollywood-ite that you most likely won't share your life experiences with, other than telling him/her that when you were a child you were an olympic gymnast that gave you an amazing ability to bend your body in any way you like.

So if you are a naturally shy person (such as myself...I know...its CRAZY) your main goal is to intimidate the other person into a submissive little monkey (ok that sounded a bit sexual...but again, you get my drift). How does a master get the chihuahua to obey? He or she shows the little bitch who the boss is obviously. Kelis had it right and so will you! Because if you don't look like a hot diva (or divo...gender neutral remember?), Ms. Amber Rose will not be interested and will end up fake-texting her BFF all throughout your "date" and you will wonder and ask yourself "did I just spend $28 on two drinks for this lil' bitch and another $20 cover to get into this "it" lounge?!" We don't want that...do we now? So an easiest way to intimidate people is with your outfit obviously. So, for the love of God use that Chase platinum rewards card and buy yourself a decent outfit because that is the reason credit cards were invented! Yes, it mayyyy get you into a debt (but lets face it...70% of LA is in debt) but at least it will save you money on a therapist who will charge you $150 an hour listening to you complain how "you're ugly and fat and no one likes you!" Attire does amazing things to your self image (as long as you don't mix black with navy, wear a dark suit with beige shoes, toms, vans, flip flops, or any "comfortable" clothes). Next tip is do not order shooters or any sort of cocktail that is drinkable in a gulp because that will cost you $120 to get the same effect as two $14 Mojitos will...and no one wants to think you're a wino! In regards to drinking, get that liver working ASAP so your brain won't have to, because once you get vodka flowing through your veins you pretty much don't have to think or process anything that your date has to say (because who wants to hear about his or her plan to be a guest star on the hills?! we all know you work for Larry Flynt to pay the rent for that LA apartment) and your night will truly be on cloud 9 drifting in the SKYY.

*these tips do not guarantee you will get laid, because if they did I would have genital herpes by now

**you should not attempt to be this superficial with anyone you would like to have something serious with

***remember to visit your local CVS the morning after